patients

First of all, I want to encourage you to erase two words from your vocabulary: always and never.

I have said numerous times that I would "never" go to the emergency room. I have explicitly instructed my family and my co-workers to respect that wish. I would "always" know how to take care of myself and I have a wonderful doctor if I should need her.

I recently had to visit the emergency room at the hospital where I work. I was so ill that I had to be admitted for treatment.

I honestly remember very little of those five days. At times the pain, nausea and dizzyness were so bad I just wanted to lie still with my eyes closed. When a nurse would give me pain medicine I drifted in and out of reality. At the time I didn't care.

I was never afraid. I know Jesus was right with me because I saw him. When that first morning dawned I was moved from the emergency room to a room on the third floor. My husband left for awhile to go home and take a shower. I was alone waiting to be taken for a CT scan.
I watched out the window as dawn broke. It was a beautiful day. The skies changed from pale pink hues to soft blue with puffy white clouds. The lights had been turned off because of my severe headache. A nurse came into my room and asked if I wanted the blinds closed. I declined. I hate being inside and having the blinds drawn in the daytime. When I am working most of my patients keep their rooms darkened. It makes me feel like I am in a cave and unable to tell if it's day or night.

I turned on my side and looked at the sky. It was a beautiful day. I just remember telling God that I knew He was with me, and praying for the pain, nausea and dizziness to stop.

I looked out the window at the fluffy clouds. In the right lower quarter of the window I saw a perfectly formed picture of Jesus reaching for three beautiful little girls. They had their arms stretched out towards him as well. They were all smiling. Directly behind them were two fishermen who resembled disciples. Their hands were reaching out in the oposite direction and they were each releasing a fish back into the water. I remember thinking how odd that was. Directly over Jesus and the girls was a cloud formation with a rainbow shape cut out of the middle of it. When I looked back down at the first pictures I had seen they were gone. Then in the middle of the window appeared a perfect "Precious Moments" little girl angel. As I continued to watch closely an aligator appeared in the upper left corner of the window, then a wolf facing him. I closed my eyes tightly and said to myself "I am done watching this!"
I turned away from the window then. I wonder what I missed by turning away?

The CT scan was done, a spinal tap, x-rays, blood tests, MRI, another CT, an echocardiogram and more blood tests.

Sometime on Sunday as I watched a nurse take my vital signs I noticed that the pulse oximeter reading was consistantly low. Instead of the normal 97%-100% it showed a reading in the 80- 90% range. Odd, I thought. It must be a mistake.

As the day went on, I was given an inspirometer to encourage me to take deep breaths. I regularly teach my patients how to use it correctly and "no problem," I thought. I could not take a deep breath. By 4:30 PM I was placed on oxygen but the reading remained low. My mind struggled to work through the fog of pain and pain medicine. I began to feel alarmed. I wondered how long a person could remain hypoxic without permanent damage to the brain and vital organs. When the night nurse came in to check vital signs I saw the oxygen saturation was now 78%. She scolded me that I had better start using the inspirometer. I tried again but could not take a deep breath.I told her I couldn't breathe. She said she would check on me in a little while and added "well, you're talking, so you're breathing." Tim, my friend Ann and her husband were with me at the time and they also heard the conversation. I didn't imagine it.

I rationalized in my mind that when someone is hypoxic they tend to be irritable and anxious which I definitely was! So I took matters into my own hands and frantically tried to think of someone who could help me. I called the nursing unit I work on, labor and delivery, and told the charge nurse that I needed help. Meanwhile Tim had gone out to the nurses station to find someone to help me.
Within minutes Sheila was in my room, evaluated the situation and left. Soon after that she returned with the Nursing Supervisor and one of my doctors who just happened to be nearby. Dr K came into the room followed by a respiratory therapist. After two nebulizer treatments were given I was transferred to ICU. Thankfully after appropriate care and meds were given I began to breathe much better.

That night I heard the most wonderful music playing softly in the background. I recognized hymns, choruses, old Negro Spirituals, and contemporary Christian music. Sometimes there were voices singing, sometimes just instrumental music. I asked two nurses and a tech to tell me where it was coming from, but they kept saying "there isn't any music." Then I realized where it came from and smiled. After graduation from ICU I remember lifting my head a bit to listen when they took me to another room to see if the music followed me and it was there.

I had felt peace during the days of sickness prior to, and the five days of hospitalization. Well, to be honest there was some frustration because I am a nurse. I love helping people and taking care of them. I don't like to be the patient. I had yet another opportunity to learn to cease striving, lift my open hands to God and trust Him to "work all things together for my good" Romans 8:28 I yielded my control of the situation that I never really had. It does no good to refute the purposes of God anyway, right?

I never felt angry because I was sick. I remember people having said "why me?" when something bad happened. "Well, why NOT me?" is a quote I have heard by Joni Erickson-Tada about her spinal injury resulting in quadriplegia. Life happens. It is not up to us to "tell God " how we want our life to go. It is the Master Potter who takes our "clay" and molds it into a vessel which will accomplish the purpose for which we have been created. I know that in times of testing I have come through stronger and felt even closer to God. This was no exception. I did pray when I was able to. Mostly I prayed for the pain to go away. I know He honored those prayers and that He heard your prayers on my behalf as well. Two times when I was sleeping I felt an evil presence and could see menacing shadowy figures gathering around my bed. I did not feel fear. I was annoyed. I rebuked their sorry butts and called out for Jesus. They disappeared.
I believe this was a joint trial for all of us and those who were praying for me are awesome warriors in prayer and faith!!!!

I truely believe that this age is drawing to a close and Satan is fighting for all he is worth because he knows it. I am facinated as I read the prophets, the minor prophets, Genesis, John, and Revelation about God's plan for redemption. After our small group had studied about the Sacrificial system, the Feasts and the Old and New Covenant I began to realize how much Jesus actually did for us to complete our redemtion. It is priceless. I am so amazed by it that I can't explain.I am in awe of a God who is above and beyond anything we could ever imagine with our human understanding. I hope this doesn't sound trite. I am very humbled and inexpressably greatful.

Isaiah 40:12 "Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance? " NIV

We serve a BIG God. We SERVE a big God. He is not here so that He can grant us every wish and whim or for us to "advise" Him about what we think He should do. His plan is so much bigger than our little sphere of an "it's all about me" world. He is painting the master piece when we can only see what's directly in front of us.

Now, do I believe God can heal? Absolutely. He does heal. He has intervened in my life and many others that I know of. Is He willing? I believe He sometimes is, but I also believe sometimes He has a higher purpose. When we pray sometimes He gives us what we ask for much as a parent will give in to a child that keeps asking over and over for something. Even if the parent knows that it isn't in the best interest of the child they relent and hope the child will learn from their mistakes and poor choices. Those of you who are in "Sister Chicks" know the expression "how many times will we go around that mountain before we let God move us onward in our walk?" (Israell in the Desert for 40 years) I beleive that God delivers His people from trials sometimes, and sometimes He chooses to walk through trials with us. "When thou passest through the waters, I [will be] with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee." (for I AM the LORD thy God.) Isaiah 43:2 KJV

How amazing it is to trust God enough to pray and then end with "not my will, but Thy will be done." Remember, Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemene for "this cup to pass". Matt. 26:39 (& repeated in vs 42) "Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."

Well, those are my musings for now. I am being filled in about those five days by friends and co-workers who visited me. They tell me what they remember. I don't remember much of the details.

A couple of weeks later I was dwelling on the vision of the three little girls, the two fish being thrown back into the water and the one angel remaining. I believe God revealed the meaning to me. During the same weekend I was in the hospital, two other dear friends were taken to the hospital. They are very ill. Will one of us be taken home to heaven and the other two have to remain behind until their purpose has been fulfilled?

I am ever grateful to my loving husband who stayed by my side throughout the seemingly endless long days. I love you, Tim. This was a hard time for you as well, I know. "For better, or for worse" you promised forty one and a half years ago. Wow, how is that possible? Seems like only a few. Thank you.
And thank you, God for not giving up on me.