Fighting Fences

Good morning from a "chilly" (for us = ) south central Florida. It was 48 this morning, but is supposed go up to 75 this afternoon. My little Yorkie, Ashley, refused to go for her morning walk in the cold outdoors. (Where did I put that fur-lined suede jacket of hers....)
I receive a daily devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministry. Their messages continue to pierce my heart as if God is speaking directly to me through the words of their posting.
This morning’s devotion really called me on the carpet yet again.
I have been going through a maze of intense health issues in my life since early March of this year. Each week or two I am required to undergo more testing, or see yet another specialist to determine a course of treatment that will stabilize my health so I can get back to some semblance of "normalcy” in my life.
Yesterday I received more unexpected news and it was momentarily more than I could accept. I wept briefly as I presented paperwork to my boss describing new physical limitations that my doctor has set for my well-being. I am stubbornly refusing to put them into practice at this time. The new boundaries or "fences" that have been erected to restrict my activities cause me to slam my body against them in protest. I haven't exhausted my energy to push against them just yet. Adrenalin can give you amazing stamina for an extended period of time. I am reminded of the stages of grief. I guess I am between the disbelief, anger, and despair that so readily overwhelms me when I dwell, even briefly, on my own issues instead of worshiping my Creator. The bottom line is always that I do trust the One who steadfastly "works ALL things together for good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:28.
I desperately want to continue to work. I love my job. I am a nurse who works in a hospital labor and delivery unit. We also care for women with GYN issues and surgical needs. I have some amazing opportunities to minister to women while they are experiencing intense situations such labor, the inexpressible joy of seeing the miracle of a new life begin, or the heartache of loss of a much wanted child. I am drawn to comfort those women who have undergone disfiguring cancer surgery and are facing an unknown future. I love to listen to those who just need to put into words the thoughts that they are afraid to say out loud to their families. I long to speak encouraging words to others about what my Lord has comforted me with during my own times of trials. I also have the privilege of working with a wonderful team of nurses who have enriched my life and helped influence my own philosophy of nursing.
God has been speaking to me for some time now to "Be still and know that I AM God." Psalms 46:10. I have heard it over and over but not yet listened and acted upon those instructions. The message has gotten louder and more frequent. I know I need to, yet I keep putting it off for "someday....", "I am working on organizing my life to make it simpler so that I can........." and other lame excuses such as those.
Perhaps God is taking it out of my hands. My busy life is being redirected. The ability I have to control over what I do each day is slipping away. Will I "Be still...." and listen now? As a friend of mine used to say, "Why did God have to go and give us a free will anyway? Doesn't He know it will get us into trouble?"
I think it's about character building. Self-control is easier when someone else should be doing it. To be honest, everything is easier when I feel someone else needs to change their life. When it comes to me, I have a much harder time accepting instruction from the Lord when I hear a sermon or message that I just know that "so and so" really needs to hear this. Why is that? Here is what my usual thought process is: hmmmmm......b'aaa........lalala...."I'm plugging my ears, Lord"........”I don't have time right now”......later....... “Oh. You're speaking to me?” “ Really? You mean,....... right NOW?” “But………..”, “oh”…..........sigh.........”ok. I will let it go. I will lift up my hands to you and surrender...... again." I admit that most times the process is getting shorter, but it continues nonetheless.
I do know that God is calling me to do more writing. I had started blogging at the recommendation of friends. I am working on two books that I haven't had time to fine tune. So, I definitely need to make that a priority now.
The usual hyperactivity of my lifestyle must be surrendered to the leading of my Heavenly Father. Ugh. Not an easy thing. In my mind I am as young and capable as I was years ago. My body, however, does not respond to the whims of my brain.....sigh. I often thank God that He has never given up on me and He accepts me just as I am. (I do have a fun sense of humor, and sometimes I just can't help bubbling over with funny little things that bring smiles to people. I love being "free to me me" as Francesca Battistelli sings in one of my favorite songs.
It is time to get started on what I need to do. No more putting it off…..at least for today.
Dear Lord, forgive my rebellion, my procrastination and my disobedience. Thank you yet again for not giving up on me. I love You, Lord, and I lift my life to worship You and serve You with it. Please help me to be a blessing to someone today. Amen.